4.22.05 Achieving Euphoria

Good Evening Folks,

It was a beautiful day in Kansas today. Storm weather. Dark blue-gray clouds crowded the sun from the sky; rain was once again scented upon the wind. Tornado weather most likely, as it was very windy this afternoon. The weather suited my mood perfectly.

I did normal things today, almost like a normal person. Was up at four a.m., surfed the net for a bit, then my husband and I cooked supper around eight this morning. (We both work graveyard shifts, so breakfast is really dinner for us.)

We recently bought a new grill, so we tried it out with some chicken breasts. (Yum.) They turned out well with mashed potatoes and green beans. Then we went to town; stopping by the bank, salon (for my shampoo and conditioner), doctors office, and then last but, most expensive, we stopped by Wal-mart for some groceries. Which reminds me, I need to find some strawberry Carnation Instant Breakfast. It's John's favorite. They didn't have any, in their usual style as John would say; 'Never having what I really want. Just things I never need.'

He's a bit of a pessimist, (Grin) which usually irritates me, but it didn't peeve me today. Not really sure why. I am not sure if it's just me, or if this is a normal thing in all relationships; but sometimes the things I find most endearing about him, really piss me off. (ah-em) Anyway,

On the way to the salon, I saw my best friend Beth. She was just recently re-married and now more recently, very pregnant, maybe 3-4 months along? She's just started showing. My God. I never believed it before, but women are very beautiful when pregnant. She looked so good with her usually very flat belly slightly rounded and distended with the weight and growth of her babe. She seemed so content. Settled. Happy. Sated. And, no offense to my friend, but she is a very 'flighty' type of person. Not to say that she flits from subject to subject, or person to person, just that she is very... hard to please, as she is a bit of a perfectionist. She, of course, would never tell you she was unpleased, unless you really pissed her off, but she would frown and crease her brow, then change the subject. Hence my use of the word, flighty.

There was no frowning this morning at all. She seemed so damn happy, I was almost jealous. Ok, forget the almost, I was very jealous. The sense of peace and well-being surrounded her like a.... a death shroud. Like a death shroud, yeah... that says it all for me. Envy was hitting my gut so hard I couldn't help but want to get away. And I don't even want children!!! I don't plan on having children!! I am way too selfish to be a mother. But, dearest Jesus, I wanted that happiness. That peace. That contentment.

And then, (now this really takes the cake!) at the doctors office, there were these two little children, one boy about 5 and a girl about 4, trying to push open the exit door while their mother signed papers at the check-out. Ohmygod, they were soooo cute! I smiled at them and the little boy just made this -- eeeewww face by scrunching up his nose (one of the cutest things I've ever seen), the little girl obviously knew on some level that she was just as cute as punch, because she smiled right back at me and then made her pig-tails bounce joyously about her head. I think my heart melted. So, even though I so-know-better, I blame everything I say from here on out on those two little kids. All their fault.

So, now that the cake has been taken, with only the frosting left, what do you think should happen now? Not one, but two very, very pregnant women come in for appointments. Both looked about ready to pop. Happy, but ready to pop. I know one of them. From high school. She of course looked radiant. Her name is Haley. I wanted to scratch her eyes out in a full jealous rage. But, instead asked her how she was doing and we spoke all about her due date (in two weeks) and the baby.

Now, I just want to bawl my eyes out..

Don't get me wrong. I am not in the market for a baby. I don't want one, am not ready for one, nor am I taking applications for the job of making one. (that position's fulfilled thankyouverymuch). But I am very interested in knowing how to achieve that euphoric feeling that poured off of all those women this morning. (sigh)

If you have any advise, be sure and let me know. I am obviously in dire straights as I just blamed my very childish reactions on two very innocent and adorable children. (Hey, I never claimed I was a saint.)

And so, I shall make a very dramatic exit and leave you all in a huff, without another word. Except of course, for a poem.

......



Fatal Monotony
by Meagan Blanchard


There is this and that; these and those,
Places between
The yet to be,
Though life is much like this tree,
Changes abound, though ... rarely seen.

And through seasonal changes,
Like society
What is in fashion,
Soon becomes taboo, not the passion
Like the ebb and flow of the tide, we think with piety.

As if we are more than what we seem
As I
Have many, a different personality
All wrapped up in my perceived speciality,
Like the layers of bow in a Windsor tie.