5.20.05 Stir-Fried Thoughts

Copyright 2003
by Meagan Blanchard

I have lied to myself more than
Anyone else has in my life.
Those little white lies, told to the heart
From the brain in my head,
Whispered words that are
So asinine, so inanely foolish;
As they cut all my confidence
Into easily consumed slices of apple.
I have this apathy now, for all things,
In general, I just care less and less; numb.
The boredom of my days and nights,
Turns my heart from perfect blue to red;
Bleeding endlessly, a great catastrophe.
Laughing at myself now, because all
My many words are on a child's bicycle
Heading nowhere, helping me not at all.
My personal calling, that will never be heard.
The frustration I feel as my life fits neatly
Into this nutshell; kept there by
Knots of love and luxury,
Sin and trust, creating a disguised haven;
That is really a perilous prison,
Where inside my mind I scream of
Unanswered issues to God or
To some divinity unknown.
It all lacks justification, as I am
Trussed up like a scandalous doll,
Ever diligent in my appearance;
Just following the example of those before me.
A creature of habit, and easy paths.
While my friends are my foes,
And fiends become treasured confidants;
My fears become elephants blocking
My quest for valor; killing me, simply.
Easily... Like insatiable goats eating all my emotions.
Restorative for them, death sentence for me.
But, I lack the gumption to raise my voice an
Octave and plead for them to stop,
Because they are so handsome in their igloos,
Little imps rambunctiously yakking
Zipping and jumping to and fro;
Distracting me with their overzealousness.
So that when they place me on the hot wok,
I am stir-fried without protest and my screams
Become liken to the Doormouse music,
All bass and drums with a hardcore techno beat
Rhythmic, and surprisingly complex.
And all I can think as I sizzle and wonder is
How does this sound issue forth from my mouth.

5.17.05 Quite The Scare

It was supposed to be a good week right? Even though on the 12th I had my wisdom tooth removed. Remember those posts?

It actually went quite well, though afterward it was a bit painful. Friday I only worked 4hrs because I made the mistake of eating; Mom worked the rest of the day for me, bless her. So, this coming up check will be a bit short. (Sigh)

I had Gram over for the weekend. It reminded me of old times, when I was little, Gram would come over and stay the weekend; it was full of shopping, eating, and just good fun. I missed her. Hard to believe she will be 75 this June 1st. Time sure does fly.

Monday went well, though I guess it only went well until Mom came into work at 8am. Only this time it wasn't bad because of petty differences. She wasn't feeling well. Her legs were swelling, she said. Her body hurt. (She has fibromyalgia. *no idea how to spell that*)

Then she confessed that she was having chest pains. I felt like freaking out. Why didn't she go directly to the doctor, I asked. She said she had called, made an appointment for this Friday. But, she hadn't told them about her chest pains. I wanted to rage at her. Dammit, she's the only Mother I have! There's no replacement to be had at the local department store, no upgradeable robot Mom to be bought for $1,999.99! She needs to take care of herself!

So, Bob - a mechanic we work with and part of the management there - and I, persuaded Mom to take the morning off and go see the doctor. Just show up, we told her; I would stay and cover her shift, no problem. So, she went. Except the doctor's office said she should go to the emergency room. Mom said she didn't want too. I am a bit fuzzy on what really happened, not sure if she actually saw the doctor and he put her in the hospital or if she just went and checked herself in. I do know that she ended up there and that they ran some tests to find out if she had suffered a heart attack. They also checked her blood sugar to make sure she didn't have the onset of diabetes. She called me from the hospital to let me know and to tell me not to worry. It was nothing major she said. Just some tests. (I felt a little freaked anyway. My Mother is like a best friend to me. I don't know what I would do without her.)

So, I worked from Midnight 'till Noon thirty. 12 and 1/2 hr day. Then I came home, picked up John and we went to tell Gram that Mom was in the hospital. Gram took it well. She stayed at Mom's house, she said she'd clean house, and that would be a nice thing for Mom to come home to. She thanked me for coming all the way out there to tell her in person. (Honestly, I didn't think she'd hear the phone if I called or pick up the phone if she did hear it. And, I thought she might want to come stay with me, so she wouldn't be alone.)

Then I made the drive back home and took part in a business call that lasted over an hour and a half. I finally got to sleep around 5:30. Then back to work on Tuesday. I called the hospital and spoke to Mom, Tuesday morning. They found her heart to be fine. And they say she is *borderline* diabetic. They think the chest pains were stress related. (I hope I was not compounding that problem by having that argument with her last week.)

So, she just needs to watch her sugar intake and take it easy for a couple of days. I am extremely relieved that there is nothing seriously wrong.

I bought her flowers Tuesday morning but, by the time I had arrived at the hospital, she had already checked out. They are sitting on my dining room table. She scared me, and I hate that.

I bought her flowers. It was a nice sentiment, I guess.