Well, La De Da and a small Ho Hum

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Good Morning Ladies, Gentlemen, and other folks that I may not have prior knowledge of. *I swear I will never admit it!!*

Ahem.

I am finding it difficult to just pick up wherever in this galaxy I had previously left off as it has been ages since my last post. For that I apologize. I have excuses abound, but I am sure that you are busy and really don't want to hear them. Plus, I just don't want to list them all. So there, take that.

I have found that life sure does go damn fast when you are not paying attention. In six more months I will be 25 years of age. It seems just like yesterday I was 24! I know, I know. Those of you that are older than I are probably thinking "Oh, to be 25 again!" But, honestly, I feel as if I have just blinked and my time here has been drastically shortened by yet another year passing me by.

Another year of dreaming of a life I fear I will never have. Yet another day wasted sleeping, eating, and working to pay the bills (just barely). So, I have yet one more 'eye opening' experience where I feel as if I don't get my ass in gear, I will have nothing to show for my years upon this earth.

Soon, I tell myself, I will go to school, start a business, buy a new car for my hubby and a truck and a new car for me, fix up the house, get organized, buy real estate and make myself rich, pray to God, tell my family that I love them, call Grandma, apologize to my sister Penny - for everything, go to New York and visit my brother, make amends, give to charities, loose more weight faster and keep it off, save for retirement, find money to invest, make a difference in someone else's life . . . . . sometimes, the list seems endless. Hell it is endless! Cripes, I wish I had started sooner. So much sooner. I wish...

But, if wishes were kisses I'd have gotten 'off' by now. (Some crude humor for ya) Yeah, so. .

I am sorry, I am not my normal jolly self today. My wit seems to have flown out the window. This is not what I meant to say, but I am fully meaning what I am trying to convey. Maybe it's just something I need to get off my chest; say aloud so that I may then act? I do not know, but please bear with me!

Where in school did they teach me that just 'having a job' will be all you need to get all you want. Or, rather, let me rephrase that; it was accepted that you could work 40hrs a week and actually have a life outside of work with money to get what you needed, and save for what you wanted. Was it in school? Where did I get this idea? Learn this .... life lesson? And where on all the earth did I find the idea that I should actually have free time to myself? When did I start thinking that a combined income of $40,000 would actually allow for EVERYTHING. Savings, retirement, day-to-day needs, etc. . . Where? And why do I still feel this way!!!??

Should I blame it on inflation, the government? The oil companies, gas prices? The area I live in, economy? 9-11 or the Iraqi war? The President? Jay Leno? The entire cast of "Whose Line is it Anyway?" - Who?

Must there be blame? Must there? Why do I feel as if there should be blame? Blame for too many opportunities or not enough?

I have some serious rage issues when it comes to this topic. Why must I work 40hrs + a week and still not have any savings!!!??? And, oh, believe me I have read budgeting books, and stretched myself to the point of pain to try and save. But always, always some emergency or another crops up and those meager savings are spent. Agreed, I feel that John and I have accomplished much this year, with the bathroom remodel and the new living room chairs -- a few other odds and ends that we needed. (washer/dryer) etc...

But honestly, if for some reason I could not work tomorrow - we would be crushed underneath the weight of bills. Missing a day of work for sickness KILLS my budget. You see, I don't have a cushy job where they have such a thing as sick pay. John does, and it helps, but he rarely gets sick. Though this year he did. Odd. Anyway. I am rambling.

I don't know. I just don't know. What am I looking for? Am I having a mid-twenties crises? Possibly mid-life if I don't start loosing more weight. Am I looking for meaning? I think, maybe that's possible. I mean I want all these things. More things, better things (if you saw my house, you'd know I need them. It's a dump. No seriously, it really is.) More money, a bank account with actual money in it for emergencies. A full retirement fund... I mean I feel shallow, worrying about money. Especially when I know there are probably millions of folks out there now who would kill for 1/2 of what I have.

Am I just lazy? Is it pure laziness on my part that I don't have the things I want/need etc? Am I stupid? Ignorant? I know part of me is pleading for an answer. The other part of me just wishes to remain as I am - to avoid complications and further responsibilities. Because without a doubt more money equals more responsibilities. And what then? Would I fail even if I had the education and resources?

Am I a failure?

Failed writer, failed professional, failed woman?

Failed life?

What makes a person think of these things? Why does my brain constantly question my - everything?

Does anyone else think these things? As I do? Pondering life's little stupidities at 2 am in the morning? Does anyone care?

Meh.

Depressing.

I am going to go watch Firefly to cheer me up. Smoke some cigarettes and eat a peanut butter cookie.

So, you see, this is how I got where I am.

Hoping for science advances in life watching science fiction. Killing myself with cigarettes and food. Escaping into someone else's brilliance.

. . .