How could you miss WW III? It's already over!

Since we last spoke - we can call this speaking right? - I caught something incredibly amazing, so amazing in fact that I am certain you will be ecstatic for me. I caught - wait for it - a cold.

For some reason this cold seems to have impressed to me like a baby chick to its mother. It just will not leave me alone. Constantly bugging me. Always asking "Why this" and "Why that"; but more importantly this little cold decides I know the reason for all that is and all that ever was. I mean, it must believe I have something of value for it will not go away!

It is not that I do not have at least some affection for the poor lil' guy. I mean, I did get to have a 3 day 2 night vacation in Vapor Rub Heaven. (It's an absolutely beautiful suite, you should check it out sometime.) It's just that it is monumentally embarrassing to have a nose so numb that you cannot tell if snot is running out of it, or if it is just your imagination. Until, of course, you can feel the aforementioned snot on the top of your lip, taste said snot upon your lips and gag when said snot runs down your chin and drops upon your shirt. Then you simply die of mortification when your co-worker laughs so hard he has to make a run for the bathroom before he pees his pants.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that this happened to me.

. . well.

OK.

So. . . yeah it happened to me.

You will notice though that God did not have mercy on my soul and let me die of mortification. No, he was cruel and let me live. Then he let the cold infect my chest. So, now, every time I speak, half of that time is spent coughing up 'Snots' big brother 'Mucus'. Mucus is not a kind-hearted type of guy. Quite irritating in fact. Mostly to the throat area, and for some reason he causes me to have difficulty breathing. Maybe in some far away solar system, mucus is quite good looking and that would, of course, explain my erratic breathing habits. In reality though, I think that mucus and my beloved menthol cigarettes have tag teamed my lungs behind my back. Tickets for the Pay Per View show go on sale Friday. (Some kind of Ultimate Fighting Championship, a title and belt are on the line folks. I know I wouldn't miss it for the world - well at least for a pair of lungs.)

I figured, since the cold infected me, I had better recruit some allies. WW III was happening inside my body and dammit, I wanted help! Allies are funny critters though, they never do or say what you think they will do or say. Weird.

Ally # 1. A small group of Sudafed, Kleenex and Vick's decided to come to my aid. I was armed, I was prepared, and I was ready to win this battle. Sudafed helped little, only allowing snot a 'run of the field' so to speak. Kleenex buckled under the pressure. I was completely unimpressed. Though, I will give Kleenex an 'A' for effort. I mean, really, he is just a bit of soft paper. What did I expect? Vick's was surprisingly resilient - but unsurprisingly, it's endurance ran out fast.

Ally #2. The dread Doctor. His assessment was incredibly insightful. He said, "You're Sick". Damn, that man is smart! After such a great start I assumed he would become tactically unstable and ply me with 3-4 prescriptions that would cost me a few arms. Well, an arm and a leg since I only have 2 arms to spare and the price was for 3. Err rm, at any rate, Ally #2 threw a curve ball at me and gave me samples instead. What a great man! Really!

Ally #3. Time, patience, and understanding. Oddly enough, after two weeks of misery, my immune system and her allies have won WW III and only a few rebels are left. (Mucus had some strong supporters.) I am pretty sure that patience was never to be found and neither was understanding. They went on some cruise or safari vacation, something like that, I think. Well, I hope they had a good time.

I didn't!

So, now that WW III is done and gone I can say that it was less cataclysmic than I expected.

Weird.

Well, this is Snot and Mucus -

Signing Off.